


run back to you

by Lizzen



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-26 00:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14390136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizzen/pseuds/Lizzen
Summary: Certain agony is the only certainty of his life for decades.Written just before Infinity War hits; 100% will be jossed.





	run back to you

**Author's Note:**

> this is th_esaurus’ fault, completely and utterly. Ilh.

After the Triskelion falls, he dreams for the first time since --

*  
“I’m not made of glass, Buck,” Steve says once in Italy, decades past. “I’m still flesh and blood and muscle and sinew and--”

Bucky shuts him up with the roll of his eyes and the punch of his fist against Steve’s unmoveable shoulder. And there’s something that aches inside of him as Steve grins; a real, wholesale grin that feels like forever. Feels like it’s there to stay. An enduring sliver of joy.

*  
He dreams about shutting him up in other fashions; some violent, some--

*  
Bucky dreams often, and for decades. Bucky dreams of the same face; blond hair and specific features. Bucky sees them in his handler and responds in kind. Responds with an ingrained loyalty that Alexander Pierce never deserves.

 _Hail Hydra_ never touches his lips, and yet--

*  
When the war was simpler, Bucky signed up for it; wrote his name on paper in even letters. Allowed them to check his measurements, check his blood. Smiled when they said, “thank you”; smiled when they said, “you will do great things for your country.”

When the war was simpler, Bucky signed up for it.

*  
 longing  
   rusted  
     seventeen  
       daybreak  
         furnace  
       nine  
     benign  
   homecoming  
  one  
freight car

*  
His dreams stop in Wakanda; something about the process that induces the oblivion of dreamless sleep. A sweet nothingness.

And yet, when he wakes, there’s a longing inside him for a face, any glimpse of it. Memory isn’t enough. Reservation and respect silence his tongue, however, and his imagination takes flight.

How has he lived, he thinks, without the shield.

*  
Shuri gives him an overview of key events since he went under. None of them include Steve and when he’s silent at the end, she says: “and my brother says he’s fine.”

He lets out a puff of air and she lets out a knowing laugh.

*  
In days, he laughs too. For the first time in--

*  
Bucky roars with laughter as the new recruits try to outdrink the great Captain America. Steve swallows down beer after beer and looks pink around the ears but that’s it. It’s a farce and he performs beautifully.

When Steve stands, pretends to teeter just a little, Bucky leaps to his feet to “steady” him. Puts his arms around him and canjoles him to continue.

And he thinks: Steve is so warm.

“I’m done,” the Cap says to the recruits who crow and stamp their feet on the ground and look a little relieved. He turns to look at Bucky, and gives such a pleased wink. Bucky’s never loved him more in his life.

*  
There’s chaos in his brain, like bees buzzing at an incredible volume. His mouth opens and words seem to rip out of him: “You’re my mission.” And his fist slams into flesh.

*  
After the Triskelion falls, he begins to dream once more.

*  
Steve cries out in his sleep, a cry that wakes the whole household. Bucky can hear his mother stir. “Hush,” he intones, and moves in closer. Gets his arm around that skinny frame. Clutches him tight.

“You’re safe,” he whispers. Wishes Steve felt it, felt safe and whole despite--

There’s a shudder followed by silence. Followed by a snore.

Bucky could let him go, roll over. He could. But he holds on just a little longer.

*  
It’s the chair again.

Pain runs in rivers through his body; it’s hard to focus, hard to see. He feels like shaking apart, shattering into pieces. Breaking utterly.

“Buck,” his handler says, and grips his face. Not harsh. Like a man desperate to reach him. Another hand runs through his hair. Gentle as a lover. “I need you.”

The words stir something inside of him, and his gaze clears. His handler looks just like--looks exactly like--

“Steve?” he says, quiet. Afraid for some reason.

The hand gripping his face lets go and then slams into his cheek, hard.

His back straightens; he feels like a light bulb, the switch turned on. “Ready to comply.”

*  
Certain agony is the only certainty of his life for decades. Wakanda is basically a paradise for him, a respite beyond deserving, and yet he knows it’s only a brief moment in time before--

*  
Steve reaches out, touches him; his hand leaving Bucky’s arm too soon. “How have you been, Buck?” he says and his smile reaches his eyes.

“Not bad,” Bucky replies. “For the end of the world.”

*  
“Have you ever--” Shuri asks, her face a very picture of innocence but Bucky knows better. She shrugs her shoulder. “--with Rogers.” There’s something effortlessly casual in how she works on his arm, waiting for him to respond.

Bucky’s mouth opens and something like “no” falls out. And then, more carefully: “Never.”

Her eyebrows raise. “You should get on that, James.” And her hand reaches out, touches his face. She looks ever so wise in this moment. He leans into the touch, and breathes out.

“Maybe next time I see him?” he tries and knows he’ll never--

*  
When he is seventeen, he fucks a girl for the first time. He had sucked cock before, of course, but this is obviously, thoroughly different. She is slight and blonde and overly confident and he finds the whole thing to be discomforting. Something was wrong; she was wrong. Something about her was just--wrong.

*  
After Thanos, he fucks Natasha, a shared grief, a shared comfort, and he’s reminded of that girl.

*  
After Thanos, they call him “Cap” because Steve told them to, and Shuri makes him a perfect replica shield, and everyone follows his orders, including Banner. He has an urge to heave into a trash can but worse things have happened to him.

*  
Once, he shaped a century. With his hands and his trigger finger and his brutal strength.

*  
Once, his best friend stood next to him, shoulder to shoulder, and the world was theirs to save.

*  
Steve tells him about a reoccuring nightmare he’s had since Germany and all Bucky wants to do is hold him, this night and every night prior. All Bucky does is take a drink of whisky, and nod his head in sympathy.

He can charge into battle, fearless and confident, but he can’t say--

*  
“--till the end of the line--”

*  
Bucky watches as Thanos breaks Steve like he’s made of glass. There’s a howling sound, deep and resonating in the air, and it takes Bucky several moments to realize the sound came from his own lips.

*  
“I never told you--” Steve says, bleeding out. Bucky says it first.

*  
Shuri puts the shield in his hands and her gaze is so fierce. “He would have wanted you to have this.” It’s in shades of red and blue, a star in the middle. He stares at it, feels its weight. It was built for Steve, but he’ll carry it. He has to.

*  
There’s a hand reaching out for him, reaching out to touch his shoulder. “Buck,” he says, a familiar warmth in his smile and a familiar smile in his eyes. Bucky’s never seen anyone so beautiful.

“Is this a dream?” Bucky says quietly, “I dream of this every night.”

Steve shrugs, blithe as can be. “Come kiss me then. Find out.”

His heart hurts; this is a lie, a lie, a lie.

And yet.

He leans in.

*  
After Thanos, he lives to dream.

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> This was my last chance to write an assumptions-only post-Infinity War fic assuming Steve dies and Bucky becomes Cap. ASSUMPTIONS ONLY. I’ve written so many of these stories. LET’S SEE HOW THINGS END UP NEXT WEEK, FAM.


End file.
